Within the complex fabric of relationships, the choice to divorce frequently pivots on critical moments—those unforgettable “final straws” that highlight irreparable rifts in a marriage. For numerous women, these junctures signify a culmination of self-reflection, strength, and the brave decision to forge new paths ahead.

This article explores the candid accounts of divorced women who have generously shared the events and revelations that led to the dissolution of their marriages. Each story provides a poignant insight into the intricacies of love, grief, and the empowering journey of self-discovery within the complexities of contemporary relationships.

“My divorce was death by a thousand paper cuts. The final straw was something a little different.”,

Marriage is considered the greatest commitment you could make to someone, and neither forming nor breaking apart this union is an easy feat. Between men and women, various triggers like certain behaviours or reactions can be considered the “final straw” within marriages, ultimately leading to a divorce. Here are the recurring themes as to why women finally decide on a divorce.

1. Infidelity and Disloyalty

60% of individuals and couples cite their partners’ unfaithfulness as the reason for divorce. Men are 7% more likely to cheat than women, and some reasons are that they did not grow up in intact families, or if they have little to no religious activity. Men cheat on their wives due to a myriad of reasons, including unmet sexual needs or out of revenge. Women in particular have the short end of the stick. Past pregnancy or their prime age, their bodies may lose their initial sexual appeal, which men use as an excuse for such adultery.

With the presence of technology, there are new methods such as emotional and soft cheating, which is about seeking attention or entertainment outside of the relationship. The husbands could have intimate conversations and share explicit pictures on online dating sites or follow inappropriate profiles on social media or websites such as OnlyFans.

Some women have endured their partners’ infidelity for a long while, but common “final straws” are when their partner cheats on them with a close relative or friend who knows about their existing relationship.

“Married 6 years, together for 10. He confessed to cheating and wanted the divorce. Then he regretted it and wanted to “work it out”. This lasted maybe 2 weeks and he cheated again with the same woman. There probably should have only been 1 straw instead of 2 mushy biodegradable paper straws. If they cheat, let them go the first time”.

2. Domestic Abuse

Domestic abuse is incidents of controlling, coercive, threatening, degrading, and violent behaviour, including sexual abuse.

Dr. Ryan Martin, a professor of psychology, stated “the research shows that men and women become angry at approximately the same frequency, but men tend to express their anger outwardly and in more aggressive ways (yelling, hitting, swearing). In that sense, men are more likely to have anger ‘issues’ than women are”.

In some cases, substance abuse can lead to domestic abuse towards the wife or the entire family, as stated by the Addiction Centre.

“The day my two-year-old said ‘shut up, b***h’ to me. I had endured ten years of abuse in my marriage, but hearing my innocent child repeat his father’s words was enough for me. I called a lawyer the next day”.

“Before my ex was arrested for an assault, she called me a “stupid fucking idiot”. My son had woken up (she hit him while hitting me – she was very drunk) and repeated back “stupid idiot”. I remember just thinking how sad it was that this beautiful child knew enough not to say the F word but was repeating back the heinous things his mother had said. It made me realize how much he would be at risk for abusing others and it terrified me.

Two years later this kid is doing amazing. He is all about love and hugs. He has grown so unbelievably close to me and all he gets is happiness and understanding.”

Why does domestic abuse occur? The Domestic Violence Coordinating Council claimed that the most common reason is witnessing violence between caretakers. Therefore, to prevent a vicious cycle from generation to generation, a divorce is by far the safest option and best course of action to take. Where children are involved, women would file for divorce, so the innocent children are not affected by the domestic abuse or influenced to commit similar acts of substance abuse and violent behaviour. Hearing young children echo the unpleasant, dismissive, and aggressive tone, words, and behaviour of the abusive parent can serve as a wake-up call and the “final straw” to call for a divorce.

3. Substance Abuse

Substance abuse refers to the use of drugs or alcohol in excessive amounts that are detrimental to the physical, emotional, and social health of the entire family. This greatly puts family members or friends at risk or at the expense of resulting side effects and reckless behaviour. For example, smoking puts the family at risk of lung cancer and respiratory-related issues, and aggressive behaviour under the influence of alcohol or drugs can lead to domestic abuse.

“He got his second DUI with our daughter in the car. I filed 3 days later. You can f**k up your life and you can f**k up my life but never hers”.

“Speaking as a daughter whose dad drove drunk with her — pretty uncaring, and also certain that that sort of thing only happens to other people, people who have drinking problems. My mom eventually took me aside to tell me very gently that I had to recognize when he was driving drunk. I was young, I didn’t know the difference between him being drunk and being in a good mood”.

4. Conflict and Lack of Chemistry

Conflicts and arguments can result in a lack of chemistry and agreement, or vice versa, greatly deteriorating the emotional and mental health of both parties.

The build-up of conflict over insignificant matters overshadows the ability to enjoy each other’s presence. Women decide that divorce would be the best option as over time, the love simply fades away, revealing true natures or newfound “icks” about their significant other. Intimacy is an important part of marriage, whether physical or emotional.

“I do all the work in the relationship. I always have. A million red flags but no one supporting me or pointing them out to me, so I married the abuse I knew. The last straw for me before checking out of the relationship was wearing makeup for the first time in almost 20 years and my husband didn’t notice. He should have noticed, it was noticeable, but he looked me dead in the face repeatedly and didn’t notice. I’m so invisible to him it became literal. I’m done, I checked out, working on the divorce path now but things are complicated”.

When the spark of love starts to flicker and the foundation of trust starts to crack, the marriage will eventually crumble and shatter.

5. Controlling/Manipulative Behaviour

Being “controlling” is not only limited to your physical actions and choices but also your feelings and experiences.

Controlling and manipulative behaviour is not limited to one’s appearances such as clothing choices, it extends to restricting freedom and movement such as being unable to go out and meet your friends. Indicators of a poor relationship also include the partner belittling, guilt-tripping, constant critique and emotionally manipulating you and your memories.

“The controlling relationship I found myself in was quite typical.  At the start, my ex-husband was the most wonderful, loving, and caring partner.  He was everything I had ever dreamed of and then some.

Clever, talented, and funny, I thought I was the luckiest woman alive.  How could his first wife ever have let this man go I thought to myself.   We moved in together two years into the relationship, and it was then, slowly, over the next few years I came to realise that this was not a relationship of equals, that he needed control, and his needs were more important than anyone else’s.

Looking back, I wonder how I found myself in this crippling situation.  Although love famously supplies you with a pair of rose-coloured specs this was not the only explanation for my marriage.   As a highly empathic woman, I felt that my love for him would ultimately help him recover from his difficult childhood.

I was inexperienced and as someone who does not lie, control, or manipulate I was not watching out for it and simply didn’t see it.  The initial stages of the relationship and the reinforcing bouts of ‘love’ gave me hope that a normal loving relationship would be possible”.

6. Poor Family Involvement

As the main homemaker and caretaker of the family, wives often complain about how men are not as involved in family matters and decision-making relating to the child development, care, and discipline. Therefore, these wives constantly feel unsupported and at a loss, more so if the husbands criticise them for said choices like parenting styles.

It is not uncommon for husbands to neglect their families while prioritising their careers, social life, hobbies, and entertainment. The final straw is usually when the wives are in a particularly challenging time, such as childbirth or making major decisions, and the husbands make unnecessary and disrespectful remarks and behaviour.

“I was in the hospital in labour, and he was paying more attention to the basketball game on TV than to the birth of his son. Then, when we got home from the hospital the next day, he asked me what was for dinner as soon as we walked into the house. I was SO done with him and his disrespectful treatment“.

7. Unrealistic Expectations of and Unequal Contribution to Marital Life

Marriage is about compromising and disagreements, whilst supporting each other along the way and combating problems as a collaborative team, not a 1-versus-1 competition, be it about bills, chores, children, and the harsh reality of life. Marriage can also be about the snippets of life together that make the whole relationship meaningful but shouldn’t be seen as a prerequisite or “prize”.

“I was seven months pregnant with twins, and I came down with a bad cold. I was supposed to be on bed rest(ing), but with a hyperactive 3-year-old, that wasn’t possible. On the third morning of my cold, my (now ex) husband said to me, ‘Are you going to be up to cook dinner tonight?’ I replied that it was doubtful, to which he said, ‘OK, I’ll just go out to dinner then,’ and turned and walked out the door. That was the final straw“.

This example highlights the male entitlement of some husbands, who through their requests perpetuate stereotypes that female should serve their husbands and display their lack of consideration for the other party. Especially when ill or tired, your significant other does not have the right to demand or expect things to be done for them all the time. Not only is it disrespectful, but it can also indicate that they selfishly prioritise their comfort and convenience over your struggles.

8. Animal Abuse

This leads us to our next point of animal abuse, as domestic violence is found to have correlation with animal abuse. Whether under the influence or not, abuse of innocent animals is simply unforgivable. This act of abuse enables wives to see husbands for who they really are, acting violently and physically in times of annoyance, as well as being unable to treasure the life and health of another being.

“He tried to kill my 8-month-old kitten by throwing it through a wall in our apartment. His reason: ‘The little asshole wouldn’t stop meowing’“.

9. Games/Gambling

While less common, addiction through means of games and gambling can significantly deteriorate the healthiness of a relationship. Games that require high levels of involvement or engagement such as Pokémon Go and Valorant indicate priorities of enjoyment and entertainment over the relationship, for example, less attention being paid to the family. Certain games include an in-game currency, which may incur high expenses too.

“I think Pokémon Go was the final straw. We weren’t married but were together for 8 years with a kid. He had trouble keeping a job and hadn’t had a full-time job in 9 months. He worked part-time and lost his job and had some bull shit story. I think he was showing up late and tired from staying up all night playing Pokémon Go downtown all night”.

Additionally, gambling can incur debts that weigh the entire family down, cutting off finances to afford basic needs such as food.

“My husband started gambling when I got pregnant, and I would often go to bed hungry as he’d gamble every last penny.

We (were) married for 2 years. He worked when we met but gave up as soon as I got pregnant and refused to work. We (received) state benefits. As soon as the money was in the bank, he would withdraw it all and gamble it. I bought a pair of shoes once that cost $10. He went crazy! I was wearing shoes with the sole flapping!!

Myself and our child often went to my parents to eat, or we’d starve. We also had huge rent arrears as we couldn’t pay our landlord due to the gambling. We had a couch with half the backrest torn and could not afford even a second-hand one.

One day when he was out, I went down the road to a solicitor’s firm and filed for divorce. Best thing I ever did, and I celebrated once it was finalised. 23 years later the only regret I have is that I stayed in the marriage way too long”.

10. Holidays

Out of all the above “last straws”, holidays such as Christmas or Chinese New Year seem to be more unexpected. Navigating and surviving in an unfamiliar, foreign country tests the waters of the relationship by placing the couple under stress and confusion.

During the holidays, financial strain can stem from expenses such as flights, accommodation, etc., or gift-giving of presents and red packets. Money being tight is one of the most popular things that couples fight about. Couples may be triggered more easily, and small issues might escalate into fights.

“…it feels like Christmas seems to be a litmus test for a relationship. And honestly, I’m seeing SO many stories on here of unhelpful, thoughtless, or just downright lazy husbands not contributing to what is arguably the biggest family-oriented holiday of the year.

I posted my big rant a week or so ago. I worked nearly 100 hours over the 10 days leading up to Christmas, and now that the weekend is here, my husband has spent literally all of it asleep. He didn’t come with us to my family’s house, even though I went to his. He didn’t put together any of the toys, cook any of the food, clean any of the mess. He’s just been asleep. No gifts, no cards, nothing. I’m starting to look at one-bedroom apartments for me and my daughter”.

Conclusion

It is important to understand that the “final straw” in question does not simply refer to women witnessing their husbands committing these actions once. Instead, it refers to repeated instances of such behaviour after enduring it for a long period, whether months to decades. Most of the time, the true wake-up call stems from the sudden realisation that they only have one life to live and that their kids are affected negatively by the parents’ poor relationship and the father figures’ actions.

“I finally realised that my kid was watching.”

Many women struggle with coming to terms with the disrespectful and traumatising behaviour of a loved one, yet they should learn to value their dignity and to not compromise their happiness for the sake of maintaining their marriage. Being able to trust and rely on your partner is the bare minimum and should be a given and should not be considered a luxury or “bonus”. Divorce is a last-resort option, which provides victims of failing marriages with a legal framework, gives them proper closure and entitlement to custody and other assets.

The Singapore Divorce Lawyer: Mr. Clement Yong

If any of these stories resonate with you and you would like to speak with a divorce lawyer in Singapore, do not hesitate to reach out to us here to make an appointment for a free legal consultation.

Our team of divorce lawyers is led by Mr. Clement Yong, who is formerly a District Judge in the Family Justice Courts and has over 10 years’ experience in family law and criminal law matters. We are passionate about simplifying and guiding clients through challenging legal process with empathy and passion. Every client’s needs are unique, and we seek to understand these needs through effective and prompt communication (our WhatsApp is available 24/7) so as to provide legal services with a view towards a positive outcome for all our clients.

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